People Pleasing: 8 Signs You’re Saying ‘Yes’ to Everyone Except Yourself

You are familiar with the desire to agree someone who asks you for a favor before your brain has time to ask what you’re agreeing to. That feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realize — yet again — that you’ve given up an evening, a weekend, your peace of mind just so you don’t let someone else down. If so, you may be stuck in the tiring trap of people pleasing.

Here’s the thing about people pleasing: it doesn’t make you a good person. It turns you into a tired person. By “totalization,” I say this in the fullest knowledge, having worked with hundreds of clients in my Chania practice struggling under this pattern. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, but when that desire comes at the price of your own well-being makes it a prison you construct for yourself.

Toxic people pleasing is so much more than just being friendly or accommodating. It’s a complicated behavior born of fear — fear of rejection, fear of conflict, fear that others will find us disappointing if we do not offer how they are thinking and feeling. It’s saying yes when every pore of your existence wants to scream no. It’s saying you’re sorry when something is not your fault. It’s making yourself small enough to fit into spaces that were never designed to contain you.

What makes this pattern so insidious is that society often rewards it. From childhood, we are taught that agreeing, being helpful and sacrificing oneself are the hallmark characteristics of “good” people. Women, in particular are heavily conditioned to put others before themselves. But there is a fundamental difference between real kindness and compulsive people pleasing — and knowing this difference can impact your life.

People Pleaser and You: There’s More Going on than Being Kind

People pleasing is, in its essence, a coping strategy. We develop it — typically in childhood — as a strategy to help us connect to other people and protect ourselves from emotional pain. Research in social psychology calls this sociotropy: an overriding need for approval and a fear of disapproval controlling one’s actions (Beck et al., 2003).

But let me give you a crisper picture. A people pleaser is a person who places a high priority on doing things that please others and less emphasis on their own needs. They find it challenging to say no, even when agreeing significantly compromises their peace or freedom. They often feel responsible for others’ feelings and bend over backwards to make sure everyone is smiling — or pouting — except them.

The psychology of this behavior is also both, fascinating and sad. Many people pleasers developed this habit as children, learning that their worth was dependent on doing what others wanted them to do. Perhaps you have a parent at home with unstable moods, and you have to read the room and modify your behavior in order to keep the peace. Maybe you got invalidated or criticized when you had needs and learned that needing was not OK or was selfish.

Because the tragedy of people pleasing is that it’s often motivated by what feels like a beautiful intention — to connect, to belong, to be loved. But somewhere along the line, that desire turns into a belief that you have to earn love through self-sacrifice.

This is not about occasional acts of kindness or compromise — those are healthy parts of any relationship. It’s a chronic pattern of self-abandonment. It’s the way you live your life — as if you are a supporting character in everyone else’s story, never the hero of your own.

8 Signs You Are People Pleasing

Sign 1: You Say Yes Instead of No

This may be the most conspicuous signal, however, self identify and diagnosis is far less common (and takes more work). You hear yourself saying yes — to projects for work, out of obligation or because it’s time to use a colleague’s beach house; social events you’d rather skip; loans when the galloping hooves in your head are shouting nonoNONO.

And this is what is particularly soul-exhausting: the conflict within. Each unwanted “yes” is another layer of resentment, another obligation you never wanted to fulfill, another reason to be mad at yourself. You may catch yourself fantasizing about how to get out of promises you’ve made or experiencing a sense of dread as commitments approach.

I recall a client — let’s call her Maria — who showed up at my office in Chania and she was burnt out and then some. She served on three PTA committees, brought groceries twice a week to her elderly neighbor and babysat for her sister every weekend — and felt guilty that she wasn’t doing more. When I asked her which of these activities made her happy, she burst into tears. None of them did. She had been living a life based solely on the expectations of others.

Sign 2: Saying Sorry Is Your Modus Operandi

I’m sorry is fast becoming your favorite word. You say you’re sorry for stuff that is in no way your fault — bad weather, traffic jams, other people’s mistakes. You even apologize for apologizing. This steady flow of apologies is less a matter of politeness than it is an attempt to pre-empt any chance of conflict or annoyance.

Keep it there for a day, and watch yourself. How many times do you apologize just for being in space? For having an opinion? For needing something? Apologizing for existing in this self-deprecating way, whether you are aware of it or not, is telling others (and yourself) that you the mere act of being you is such an imposition that everyone’s time and space should be cleared out.

The irony is that excessive apologizing frequently has the opposite of its intended effect. Instead of making us more likeable, it can make others feel awkward or outright annoyed. It places the person on the receiving end in a situation where they must always reassure us, resulting in an uncomfortable sort of dynamic that accomplishes just what we were hoping to avoid — tension in the relationship.

Sign 3: You’re Afraid of a Fight

Just the idea of arguing makes your heart beat faster. You’ll do anything to avoid conflict, and suffer in silence or accept unfair treatment if that’s what you’re trying to minimize. This fear often manifests as:

• And agreeing with things you really disagree with.
• Silence when someone oversteps your boundaries
• Acting like a mediator in every situation, even if it is not your job.
• Feeling sick in your stomach at the idea of someone being angry with you

This reluctance to fight is a self-reinforcing condition. By never bringing your issues up and dealing with them head on, you stew in resentment until that shit either gets compressed into a diamond (you explode one day and totally shock everyone who thinks you’re “always so nice”) or it creates intense internal pressure as the magma core of everything that’s wrong with your life. Neither of which are good for you or the relationships around you.

Sign 4- Your mood depends on other’s mood.

You are an emotional chameleon, changing color with the people around you. Either way, if someone’s upset, you can’t be at ease until they’re O.K. — even if their mood has nothing to do with you. You burden yourself with the responsibility of everyone else’s happiness that you internalize when you can’t “fix” a bad day.

This emotional enmeshment is exhausting. That means you never really have peace, because your emotional well-being will always be at the whims of others. You might catch yourself endlessly looking for cues in other people, obsessively reading someone’s facial expression or feeling anxious because you can’t read their mood.

Here’s what I talk to my clients about: It is not your job to take care of and manage other people’s feelings. You can value the feelings of others without taking their feelings upon yourself.

Sign 5: You Have Difficulty Making Decisions

Whether you’re deciding on a restaurant to eat at or facing a significant life decision, expressing anything more than tentative interest seems like an absolute impossibility. “Anything you want” becomes your typical answer, because you have alienated yourself so much from your own desires that you don’t actually know what YOU want by this point.

This indecision isn’t so much about being laid-back. It’s about fear — fear that your choice somehow is a burden on someone else, fear of being judged for the things you like, and maybe also just fearing that having wants makes you selfish. So you delay, dodge and wait for others to decide — while feeling more and more angry with yourself that you can’t just go in there with swords flashing.

The tragedy is, this tactic blows up. People sometimes get impatient with people who don’t have preferences. It does hold them responsible for the decision, and it can make you appear disconnected or uncaring about shared experiences.

Sign 6: You’re Tired All of the Time

People pleasing is exhausting work. Essentially you’re leading multiple lives — constantly shape-shifting to be what others require rather than resting in genuine self. This internal dampening over time does a number on your energy.

You might notice:

• What are the symptoms of adrenal fatigue? Stamped with the decline of one’s natural “youth hormone,” cortisol, this type of fatigue is marked by feeling tired regardless of how much rest you’ve had.
• You find that you need to ‘regain’ or somehow get back your energy after spending time with other people.
• Emotionally running on empty most of the time
• Physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, or digestive problems

This exhaustion isn’t just physical — it’s emotional and spiritual, too. When you are constantly putting on performative, sensing/responding gear; when you are measuring yourself and adjusting your behavior toward that metric; when all of your energy is spent trying to be in various ways instead of taking the stuff you honestly want and which feeds you — then how much do you think is left over for the things that actually nourish?

Sign 7: You Are Becoming More and More Resentful Inside

Here’s the paradox of bending over backward to please: The more you give, the angrier and more resentful you are. You catch yourself mentally tallying up the nice things you do for others and feeling resentful when your gestures aren’t recognized or returned. But feeling that resentment is scary, so you swallow it whole, where it simmers and grows.

That resentment may ooze out in passive-aggressive actions — neglecting obligations, perpetual lateness, making snide remarks. Or that anger could be turned inward, resulting in harsh self-criticism and shame about feeling resentful to begin with.

Sign 8: You Are Out of Touch with Who You Are

One of the saddest indicators of chronic people pleasing is losing oneself. When you’ve been being whoever other people need you to be for years, who you are becomes a little blurry. Yours thoughts, choices, aspirations and values are buried under others’ expectations.

You might find yourself:

• You don’t know what you do in your free time
• When you have no hobbies or interests of your own
• Feeling empty or as if you do not exist when you are by yourself
• The first is defining yourself by your relationship to others or the usefulness to others

This identity crisis is the predictable result of years of self-abandonment. If that’s what you always get but never give back, eventually you forget you were ever anything more than just an option.

Why We Get Caught in People Pleasing

How and why we develop these patterns is important to understand, so that we can then seek freedom from them. People pleasing, however, is something that has been around us since early childhood and for most of our lives, with Dr. Susan Newman’s research paper in her book “The Book of No” even citing the conditioning taking place at times earlier than that (Newman, 2017).

Many pleasers grew up in families where love felt conditional. Perhaps your parents’ approval was contingent on success or good behavior. Maybe you had a volatile family member, and keeping that person happy represented safety and peace. Or perhaps you suffered trauma or abandonment that taught you that having needs drives people away.

And cultural forces matter a lot as well. In lots of cultures, and particularly so the Greek one that many of my clients here in Crete are working through, there’s a lot at stake around keeping the peace, not challenging elders and prioritizing family over individual desires. Women in particular receive heavy socialization to be nurturing, accommodating and self-sacrificing.

There’s also the perfectionism connection. Many people pleasers are actually secret perfectionists. The thinking, he said, goes like this: “If I can keep everybody happy, if I never disappoint anybody, then there’s no way anybody has any right to criticize me or say anything negative about what it is that they see. I’ll be perfect.” It’s an unattainable standard that will lead to failure and lifelong stress.

There are occasions when people pleasing can stem from a trauma response — in particular, what’s known as a “fawn” response. And just as some respond to threat by fighting, or fleeing, or freezing, there are those who learn to fawn: to please and appease with the hope of remaining out of conflict. This is especially prevalent among people who have been abused as children or raised in unpredictable circumstances.

The Price of Chronic People Pleasing

The cost of people pleasing is by no means limited to simply feeling worn out or annoyed. This tendency affects every aspect of your life in ways you probably are not even aware.

Relational Costs: Ironically, people pleasing undermines the very relationships it’s designed to preserve. When you’re someone you’re not, you cheat people of the opportunity to know and love who you really are. Your friendships become transactional, not real. And, moreover, healthy people tend to feel at least a little bit uncomfortable with round-the-clock self-denial and slink off — which can leave you surrounded by all the kind of jerks who are happy to have suckers stand around holding the line.

Effects On Mental Health: People pleasing has been found to be associated with higher levels of anxiety, depression and stress-related disorders (Sato & McCann, 2007). The relentless self-monitoring, the stifling of genuine emotion, the chronic stress of keeping everyone happy — it’s not a great recipe for sound mental health.

Physical Health Consequences: The kind of chronic stress associated with people pleasing doesn’t just affect your mind; it takes a physical toll on the body. I hear from so many of my clients that they have stress-related health issues, such as insomnia, digestive problems, chronic headaches or even autoimmune diseases. Your body records the score of all that pent-up emotion and unmet need.

Career Impact: On the job, people pleasers often end up as the dumping ground for extra work. They find it hard to negotiate salaries, establish professional boundaries or take credit for what they have achieved. This can result in burnout, missed opportunities for promotions and a profound sense of professional dissatisfaction.

The Erosion of your Authentic self: Maybe the biggest price is that you lose yourself slowly. When you spend years being what other people need, you lose touch with who you are. This identity confusion may persist, even after you begin to set boundaries, and will take real effort to more clearly rediscover who you are.

Our Feelings Are Not For Others: Becoming Free From People Pleasing

You can absolutely recover from people pleasing, but it calls for a peculiar kind of bravery — and a tolerance for discomfort. Here’s what many of my clients have had success with:

Start With Awareness

You cannot change what you do not acknowledge. Begin noticing your people pleasing behaviors without placing judgment on them. Keep a journal noting:

• When you told me yes, but you want to say no
• How it feels physically when you’re in the sway to please
• Your people pleasing-relapsing scenarios
• The ideas behind these behaviours

Practice the Pause

Pause, build in time before responding to any request. “Let me check my calendar and I’ll get back to you” becomes your new best friend. It also gives you a moment to check in with yourself: Do I really want to do this? Do I have the time and energy? Do I say yes because of a sense of guilt or out of sincere desire to help?

Learn to Tolerate Discomfort

Here’s a reality that might hurt: People may be unhappy when you begin putting your foot down. They might even get angry. And that’s okay. Their frustration is not your emergency to solve. Learning to sit with other people’s displease is probably the most important skill in breaking free from being a Marrionette.

Start small. Just go ahead and say no to a little request and see what happens.” The Armageddon response we fear doesn’t usually happen. People adjust. The world keeps spinning. And now you’ve just proven to yourself that you can live through someone’s disappointment.

Reframe Your Beliefs

Here’s how many people pleasers work from these beliefs:

• “If I say no, people won’t like me.”(Truth: People admire those who have boundaries.)
• “Others’ needs are more important than mine” (Truth: You have the right to put yourself first)
• “Conflict will ruin all my relationships” (Truth: Healthy conflict makes relationships stronger)

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and its systems-based approaches can be valuable in addressing and disputing these belief systems. “These thought patterns feel like absolute truths, but are learned behaviors that can be unlearned with practice and support,” explained Savina Anastasaki, MSc Clinical Psychologist & CBT specialist worked in Chania.

Develop Your Identity Apart From Others

Begin to look at who you are, independent of being useful to others.’ What do you enjoy? What are your values? If you woke up on a Saturday with no one needing something from you, what would you do? This identity work is vital for lasting change.

Practice Self-Compassion

Recovery isn’t linear. There will be regressions in which you fall back into old patterns. That’s normal and expected. Instead of cutting yourself down, do your level best to speak to yourself in the same way you would a good mate.

When to Seek Professional Help

Although self-help techniques are useful, behaviour may be a habit that is too deeply ingrained to overcome on your own. You may want to talk with a psychologist if:

• Your people pleasing is causing serious damage to your mental health or relationships
• You can’t trace the origins of these patterns
• You’ve made attempts to change but find yourself reverting to type
• You’re feeling anxious, depressed or burned out as a result of these behaviors
• Your body is not immune to Chronic stress.

In therapy, you have a safe place to investigate the origins of your people pleasing and nurture new ways of relating. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), systemic work and, profiling by hypnotherapy can be especially helpful for targeting these trends.

FAQ Section

Q1: Is people pleasing synonymous with being kind or helpful?

A: They’re not the same thing at all. Real kindness comes from a place of choice and abundance — wanting to help, with the resources to do so. People pleasing is motivated by fear and obsession — you do good because you’re terrified of what people will think of you, should you refuse to comply. Helping in a healthy way adds to your life; people pleasing lessens it.

Q2: Can people pleasing be something that relates to culture?

A: Absolutely. Many civilizations, the Mediterranean particularly among them, highly value harmony and respect, sacrificing self to make the family or community ahead. And these values aren’t bad in and of themselves, but they can make it feel difficult to acknowledge individual needs. It’s really about striking the right balance between our culture and well-being.

Q3: If I stop people pleasing, will people leave me?

A: Yes, some people may pull away when you start drawing lines — and that could include those who reaped the rewards of your lawlessness. But these are not the relationships you want to keep. In fact, healthy relationships get stronger when both people can be real and respect each other’s space. You will lose some of your connections, but you will end up with much deeper and more real ones.

Q4: How long does it typically take to quit people pleasing?

A: Depends on: How deeply ingrained the pattern is and what your support is like, how regularly you practice new behaviors Thanks for your candor, Laneia. Most clients make great gains in 3-6 months of treatment and the process of discovering who you are and knowing how to demarcate your limits will be an ongoing one. Just remember, you are undoing years or even decades of conditioning — go easy on yourself.

Q5: Can nice man syndrome affect my romantic relationships?

A: Yes, significantly. People pleasers often end up drawing partners who are either used to (or want) an unequal relationship. They may have difficulty communicating their feelings, avoiding necessary arguments or becoming enmeshed in the person they are relating to. That can result is resentment, attraction loss, and breaking things off. The ability to be genuine is important in order for a romantic relationship to be healthy.

Conclusion: Your Life Is Waiting

If you see yourself in these eight signs, I want you to understand something very important: None of this is your fault. People pleasing isn’t a defect of character or weakness. That’s a survival behavior you came up with for good reasons, even if those reasons no longer serve you.

But here is also what’s true: you have the power/potential to change this. Overnight, no, and not without struggles: but fully, decisively. I’ve witnessed hundreds of clients shift a pattern of being overwhelmed by the weight of other people’s needs into giving from choice instead of obligation, saying no without guilt, being loved for who they are rather than what they do for others.

While you are living for every other person, your life has stopped. But it is still out there, waiting for you to seize it. Every boundary you impose, every real no you say, every time you choose yourself — this is not selfishness. They’re acts of self-respect. And self-respect is the base that cradles any healthy relationship.

The road from people pleasing to genuine living is not an easy one. There will be awkward moments and uncomfortable discussions, and maybe some relationship recalibrations. But on the other side of that discomfort is something precious: a life that actually belongs to you. A life in which your yes is yes, and your no actually means no, and your worth isn’t based on how useful you are.

You have earned the right to be more than be a supporting character in everyone else’s story. You deserve to be the scribe of your own life. And that journey — the journey back to self — begins with a single word: No.

References

Beck, A. T. Epstein, N. Harrison, R. P., & Emery, G. (2003). Development of the Sociotropy-Autonomy Scale: A measure of personality factors in psychopathology. University of Pennsylvania.

Braiker, H. B. (2001). Pleasing People: How to Not be An ‚Aporoved-By-People Pleaser by Lou Priolo (2007) Hardcover McGraw-Hill.

Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. William Morrow and Company.

Newman, S. (2017). The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It―and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. McGraw-Hill Education.

Sato, T and McCann, D (2007) A Generalized Home-Market Effect. Sociotropy-autonomy and interpersonal problems. Depression and Anxiety, 24(3), 153-162.

Taylor, S. E., &Brown, J. D.(1988). Delusion and happiness: A social psychological analysis of mental health. Psychological Bulletin, 103(2), 193-210.

Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., and Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.