Boundaries in Relationships: Learning to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty

You say yes when you should say no. You help everyone, even when you are tired. You feel responsible for the feelings of others — and guilty when you dare to imagine what you might want. Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Establishing healthy boundaries in a relationship is challenging for many people. The reality is, this isn’t about being selfish. Having boundaries is just as much about respecting yourself as you do others.

As Savina Anastasaki, MSc Clinical Psychologist and Systemic Psychotherapist from Chania, points out, many clients arrive at therapy feeling burnt out and even angry — not with the others they have been tending to but because of their lack of assertiveness when it comes to defending their personal space. Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re bridges that facilitate the health of relationships. Without them, even the strongest relationships can become debilitating.

This article is about what boundaries actually are, why they’re so difficult to set and — most important — how you can begin to create them now. Whether you’re living in Chania, Crete or anywhere in Greece — or for that matter a Greek living abroad — understanding boundaries can dramatically affect the way you experience every relationship in your life.

What Are Boundaries in Relationships?

Boundaries are what you use to safeguard your time, energy, emotions and values. Consider them invisible lines that establish where you end and someone else begins. They are constantly informing others of what they will tolerate and what they won’t. Healthy boundaries create safety — with others and for yourself.

Boundaries come in all different shapes and sizes. Physical barriers are about the space around you and your body. Emotional boundaries are there to safeguard your emotional health and wellbeing. Time constraints also protect your time and energy. Physical boundaries pertain to your things and your cash. And intellectual borders respect your views and beliefs.

Boundaries aren’t about controlling others. They’re about personal responsibility for your own health. You’re not punishing someone when you set a boundary, and you’re not just being difficult. You are expressing what works for you. This is clarity that feels terrible at first but would actually make your relationships so much stronger.

Boundaries aren’t rejection. As psychotherapist with specialist knowledge in CBT and Systemic Therapy, Savina Anastasaki frequently expresses to her clients: When you say, “I can’t help you today because I need a rest,” you are telling the truth. When you express the sentiment, “I’m uncomfortable discussing this,” you’re teaching people how to treat you. Those who deeply care about you will understand boundaries.

Why Is Setting Boundaries So Hard?

Setting boundaries feels uncomfortable. It feels wrong for many people. The reasons for this are many — and most of them originate in your childhood and what you learned about what being “good” means.

First, many of us were raised to believe that saying no is selfish. You heard that good people always lend a hand. Good daughters do not disappoint their parents. Good friends are always available. Good partners sacrifice their needs. These beliefs run deep. When you first start establishing boundaries for yourself, they bump up against your identity — and that provokes a feeling of guilt.

Second, there’s the specter of rejection. What if people get angry? What if they stop liking you? What if they see you as that person difficult to deal with — or worse, indifferent? This fear is real. People can react poorly when you start saying no — especially if they’ve grown accustomed to hearing yes from you.

Third, people often mistake boundaries for conflict. They think that imposing a limit is going to be the beginning of a fight. So they avoid it. They stay silent. When they don’t want to, they agree. But the fact is: the battle is already raging within you. Establishing a limit just gets it out in the open where you can work on it.

And in my work with clients in Chania, I frequently observe an additional pattern: people-pleasing. This isn’t niceness, it’s a tactic for survival. If you grew up with a sort of conditional love where there was approval to earn, you learned not to heed your own wants. You were good at reading the room. At keeping everyone happy. At saying yes when your body screamed no.

Cultural influences are also at play. Greek family relationships are quite fascinating. Community matters. Hospitality is sacred. These are wonderful values — but they can also turn boundaries into a form of betrayal. If your culture teaches you, from early on, to value collective interests over individual desires, sticking up for yourself is experienced as a rebellion against the rules.

The Signs You Need to Set Boundaries

And how do you know that you need boundaries? Your body knows. Your emotions know. You just need to listen.

You are tired all the time. Not merely weary from a long day — emotionally depleted. You keep on giving, and you never get full. You are everyone’s help — but who helps you? When somebody asks you for something, your first thought is “not again” — but you say yes anyway.

You feel resentful. You say yes to things you don’t actually want. You perform favors you simply can’t spare time for. And then you get mad — at them for asking, at yourself for saying yes. This resentment builds. It oozes out through passive-aggressive remarks here, withdrawal there, unexplained annoyance.

You avoid people. Not because you don’t like them — but because every time you hang out with them, it feels so draining. Their name pops up on your phone and suddenly, there it is — that feeling in the pit of your stomach. You make excuses. You cancel plans. This isn’t to say that they are bad people. It’s that you are in need of protection in a way that you have not protected yourself.

Your relationships feel one-sided. You are the one who listens, who assists, who knows birthdays, shows up. But when you have a need, where are they? This imbalance isn’t always intentional. Sometimes people take what you offer — because you never said that’s all there was.

You feel as though you’re stealing when you do something for yourself. Taking a day off feels wrong. You feel kind of terrible when you say no to a request. Paying to treat yourself is selfish. This guilt is a red flag. It informs you that at some point in your life, you learned that your needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s.

You notice physical symptoms. Headaches. Stomach problems. Muscle tension. Sleep issues. Your body is saying something. Stress from weak boundaries manifests in the body. When you regularly ignore your body’s needs, your nervous system remains on. Your body keeps the score.

The Different Types of Boundaries

Knowing different kinds of boundaries makes you know where yours are weak. In some areas, most of us have very strong boundaries and in others almost none.

Physical Boundaries

Physical limitations are about your body and your space. This extends to who may touch you, when and how. It encompasses your requirement for physical space. Some people require more room than others — and that’s okay. Your home is a physical boundary as well. Can people drop by unannounced? Can they search your stuff? These are boundary questions.

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional walls, on the other hand, divide your feelings from someone else’s. When a friend is distressed, you can be supportive without getting pulled into their feelings. When your parent is angry, you do not need to make it right. Emotional boundaries mean you understand that other people’s feelings are their responsibility, and so are yours. That doesn’t mean you don’t care. You care without losing yourself.

Time Boundaries

Time boundaries protect your schedule. You can say no to plans. You get to leave the get-togethers when you want. You are not obligated to respond to texts immediately. You can have time alone. Time boundaries recognize that your time is valuable — just like everyone else’s time.

Material Boundaries

The physical boundaries are the ones that consist of your things and money. Can people borrow your things? Do you have to lend money? Are you able to say no when someone requests financial assistance? Material limits acknowledge that being generous is one of many choices — it’s not a duty.

Intellectual Boundaries

Intellectual boundaries honor what you think and believe. You don’t need to fight the battle of ideas. There are no lectures or criticism about your choices that you have to listen to. You can disagree. You don’t have to engage in conversations that seem disrespectful. Your thoughts matter.

Why Boundaries Improve Relationships

It may come as a surprise to you: Healthy boundaries make good relationships even better. Boundaries equal honesty. When you’re setting boundaries, you’re being honest. Resentment fades. Clarity emerges. And everybody knows where they stand.

Without boundaries, relationships become unclear. One person feels used. The other doesn’t understand why there is tension. Neither person is happy. But when you’re able to articulate your needs, the other person can actually compromise with you. They know what works for you. They’re not guessing.

Boundaries also create respect. When you respect yourself enough to say no, others will sooner or later respect your decision also. Those who genuinely care about you wish for you to be happy — not spent. They want real connection — not sacrifice without return.

Think about it this way. Do you want her to say yes out of resentment or no honestly? Most people prefer honesty. But also when someone sets a boundary with you, they’re giving you their trust with their truth. That’s intimacy.

The scenarios I often encounter in couples therapy here in Chania are “I can’t say no and one day I explode.” Years of unmet needs accumulate. And then one day, something small sets off a nuclear reaction. The explosion seems disproportionate — unless you know the background. Boundaries prevent this buildup. They also help bring issues to light before they develop into crises.

Boundaries also model healthy behavior. By setting limits, you demonstrate to people — especially children — that it’s safe to take your own needs seriously. You show them that self-respect is not selfish. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give.

How to Begin Setting Boundaries: Practical Steps

Setting boundaries is a skill. It’s just a matter of practice, like any skill. Start small. Be patient with yourself. Expect discomfort — that’s normal.

Step 1: Notice Where You Need Boundaries

Look at the signs above. Where do you feel resentful? Exhausted? Taken for granted? That’s where you need boundaries. Write it down. “I need limits for my time with my mother.” “I want some boundaries around lending money.” “I want to set boundaries for last-minute work requests.” Name the problem.

Step 2: Have a Clear Understanding of What You Value and Need

What matters to you? What would it take for you to feel good? Maybe you need one night a week to be alone, for example. You may not have to avoid talking politics at family dinners. You could need advance notice before you are visited by them. These needs are valid. They don’t require justification. Understanding them explicitly enables you to articulate them.

Step 3: Choose the Type of Border

Be concrete. Vague boundaries don’t work. “I need space” is vague. “I need you to call first before you come” is specific. “I need support” is vague. “I need you to listen to me and not give me advice” is specific. The more clearly you can communicate, the easier it is for someone else to understand your line in the sand.

Step 4: Be Plain When Communicating the Boundary

Use “I” statements. “I don’t like to talk after 9 p.m.” “I don’t have money I can lend right now.” “I need to leave by 8 PM.” And keep in mind these examples don’t excuse or over-explain. There’s no need to explain your boundary. The easier it is to say, the more powerful the fence.

Step 5: Prepare for Pushback

There will be people who test your limits. They’ll act hurt. They’ll argue. They’ll say you’re being selfish. That’s fine — especially if you’ve never drawn boundaries before. You’ve shown them you say yes. Your no disrupts the pattern. Stay calm. Repeat your boundary. You don’t have to defend it.

Step 6: Handle Your Guilt

You will feel guilty. This is the hardest part. Your inner voice will say awful stuff. “You’re being mean.” “You’re letting them down.” “Who do you think you are to say no?” Just remember: feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Instead, it means you’re doing something different. Practice will make the guilt subside.

Step 7: Enforce the Boundary

This is crucial. A boundary that is not enforced is no boundary at all; it’s merely a wish. If you say, “Please call before visiting,” and someone appears out of nowhere, you do not have to let them in. Say “I cannot talk after 9 p.m.” and someone calls you at 10: You do not have to pick up. Following through demonstrates to others that you mean what you say.

How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty: Scripts & Phrases

The actual words matter. Here are phrases that work:

• “I can’t make those decisions right now.”
• “That doesn’t work for me.”
• “I’m not available.”
• “I will have to look at my calendar and let you know.”
• “Thanks for considering me, but I have to decline.”
• “I know this is important to you, but I can’t give a hand with this.”
• “I will let it pass this time.”

Notice these phrases are complete. Not because there are apologies or explanations. This can feel harsh at first — especially if you are accustomed to softening every no with five paragraphs of justification. But over-explaining weakens your boundary. It invites negotiation.

When someone pushes back, try:

• “I know you’re disappointed, but the answer is still no.”
• “I understand that this must be frustrating for you. I still can’t do it.”
• “I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but this is where I thrive.”

For family members who guilt you:

• “I love you, and I also need to protect myself.”
• “I want to help while I can, but not this time.”
• “This is what I have to offer at the moment.”

For friends who need your time:

• “I appreciate the friendship and I need me-time too.”
• “I can’t be making plans this week.”
• “Sometime that works for both of us.”

For colleagues who overstep:

• “I’m not thinking about myself right now.”
• “That’s outside my role.”
• “I have to consider my current obligations.”

When Boundaries Feel Like Selfishness

Here’s what I say to clients who have trouble with this: There is a distinction between selfish and self-preserving. Self-centered means you only think about yourself. Self-preserving means you care about yourself too — and others.

You cannot give what you don’t have. There’s a reason it’s an overused phrase: It’s true. If you are too busy denying your own needs until you have nothing left to give, you will never have enough. Your help becomes resentful. Your presence becomes strained. Suffering comes from everywhere — even the people you’re likely trying to help.

Boundaries create sustainability. They enable you to show up as the best version of yourself. When you guard your energy, you have more to give. When you respect your limits, you can truly be present. This isn’t selfish. It’s wise.

Consider the instruction on airplanes. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Why? Because you can’t help anybody if you pass out. Boundaries are your oxygen mask. They allow you to be functional so you can actually be there for others.

And consider this: when you say yes begrudgingly, you’re lying. You’re being fake. You’re telling people that your words don’t correspond to your feelings. Boundaries are honest. They may be uncomfortable, but they are not untruthful.

In Greek culture, which emphasizes the importance of family obligations to an unusual degree, this can be especially difficult. This culture of always saying “yes,” of constantly being on call, can make setting boundaries feel like a taboo. But healthy families have boundaries. Healthy families are capable of having needs. If the structure of your family relies on you sacrificing everything to it entirely, that structure should change — not your self-respect.

How to Handle People Who Will Not Respect Your Boundaries

Not everyone is going to honor your boundaries. Some people are served by your no-boundary stance. They enjoy infinite access to your time, wallet or head. When you start to set limits, they push back.

Here’s how they might react:

• They act hurt or offended
• They condemn you as selfish or cruel
• They remind you of all the things they’ve done for you
• They guilt trip you
• They don’t respect your boundary and push anyway
• They enlist others to apply pressure on you
• They threaten the relationship

This behavior is manipulation. It’s not okay. And you don’t have to put up with it.

When someone is perpetually violating your boundaries, you do have options. You can affirm the boundary firmly. You can cut down on exposure with that person. You can break up if you need to. Yes — even family relationships. Shared DNA is not a license for access.

This does not mean cutting people off at the first sign of resistance. Healthy people can buck up for a little while, we all know that as well, but it isn’t really sustainable even in the short to mid-term. But if you repeatedly express your needs, and someone ignores them, refuses to honour your limits, and makes you feel bad for having them? That’s a relationship problem. It could be something professional help is needed to resolve.

Couples therapy or individual therapy in Chania — or online for those who live elsewhere — may help you navigate these tough dynamics. You need some distance sometimes to see patterns clearly.

Boundaries and People Pleasing: How to Stop at the Source

If you are a people-pleaser, setting boundaries feels impossible. You are a package of happiness to others, and that is your total identity. What if you were to feel the intense agitation at the very idea you might let someone down? You prefer pain to the thought of inflicting it.

People-pleasing isn’t kindness. It’s fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of conflict. Fear of not being enough. You learned early that your value lies in what you do for others. So you do and do and do — even if it hurts.

Interrupting the pattern begins with understanding its origins. Many people-pleasers were raised in environments where love was conditional. Maybe your parent was critical. Perhaps you got love only when you acted perfectly. Maybe you were somehow responsible for how their parent(s) felt. Those experiences taught you that your needs are unimportant and it’s only the needs of others that count.

The antidote to people-pleasing is self-compassion. You must learn that worth is not something to be earned. You don’t have to dance for love. You deserve care just because you are here. That sounds obvious, but for people-pleasers, it is revolutionary.

Therapy helps enormously here. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can work to challenge the thoughts that maintain people-pleasing. Family dynamics that contributed to these patterns can be addressed through systemic therapy. And over time, with help, you can learn a different way of engaging — where what you need matters as much as everyone else’s.

Start with tiny boundaries. Say no to one small thing. And see that the world doesn’t end. The individual may be disappointed, but they get by. You survive. Do it again. And with every boundary you create and which you endure, you build evidence for yourself that you can do this.

Teach People How to Treat You With Respect

Boundaries are a two-way street. You establish them, and you show others how to honor them. This lesson occurs through action, not words alone.

When you consistently enforce your boundary quietly, calmly — without drama — people get the message. They learn that you say what you mean. They discover that pushing doesn’t take you very far. They adapt their expectations.

This takes time. If you’ve gone years without boundaries, people will not change overnight. They’ll test. They’ll push. They’ll find out if this version of you is more than a phase. Stay steady. Every time you maintain your boundary, it becomes stronger.

It can also be useful to incentivize respect. Acknowledge when someone honors your boundary. “Thank you for calling beforehand. I really appreciate it.” Positive reinforcement works. People tend to repeat behavior that is rewarded.

Model the behavior you want. If you want others to honor your time, honor theirs. If you expect others to accept your no, you need to take their nos as well. Boundaries go both ways. You can’t demand respect when you don’t show any.

And don’t forget: You can’t manage how people react. You can only be responsible for what you do yourself. There are some people who will never respect your boundaries. That’s just information about them — not a shortcoming on your part. Use that to determine how much space they should occupy in your life.

Boundaries in Different Relationships

Boundaries appear different from relationship to relationship. What works with a colleague, however, isn’t what’s going to work for your partner. What is appropriate with a friend, you may find, isn’t with your parent. Context matters.

Boundaries in Romantic Relationships

Boundaries in romantic relationships involve being emotionally honest, respecting personal space, and communicating needs. Healthy couples can say “I need alone time” without the other person taking it as a rejection. They can disagree and one of them doesn’t go dark. They can have separate interests. Boundaries in couple relationships give us breathing room — and that only paradoxically tightens intimacy.

Boundaries With Family

With family, it can get trickier. Family expectations are usually very narrow. “We always spend Sunday together.” “You never fail to call your mother every day.” The system pushes back when you question these expectations. But you’re an adult. You get to decide how much contact is just right for you. Even with parents. Even with siblings.

Boundaries at Work

Boundaries defend your personal time and protect from burnout when you are working. You don’t have to answer emails at midnight. You don’t have to be doing additional projects at all times. You can leave work at work. Professional boundaries actually make you a better — not worse — worker.

Boundaries Among Friends

Among friends, boundaries take the form of reciprocity. You can always say that you “can’t talk right now.” You can decline invitations. You can say something is bothering you. Real friends prefer to hear if something’s not working. Friendships sustained by you always saying yes are fragile.

The Relationship Between Boundaries and Self-Esteem

They’re linked: boundaries and self-esteem. Every time you take good care of yourself, you’re sending yourself a message: I am important. You also send yourself the opposite message when you’re neglecting your needs.

Boundaries can be difficult to establish with low self-esteem. High self-esteem makes boundaries easier. But here’s the fun part: our relationship is mutual! Setting boundaries improves self-esteem. Every time that you hold a boundary, you show yourself that your wants deserve to be honored. This builds confidence.

Those with a healthy self-esteem don’t wonder if they are allowed to have boundaries. Of course they do. Everyone does. But those with low self-esteem are always doubting themselves. “Am I being reasonable? Am I asking too much? Do I really need this?” The answer is yes — you’re being reasonable, you’re not asking for too much and you absolutely do need this.

If you have problems with self-worth, doing boundary work is an amazing hack. You don’t have to wait until you feel deserving enough to limit how much you can be there for everybody else. Determine the boundaries first, and the essence of value comes next. Belief doesn’t lead to action; action leads to belief.

When Professional Help Is Needed

The boundaries can be learned, some of us even through reading and repetition. Others need professional support. There’s no shame in this. Boundaries are tricky, especially if your early experience taught you that your needs aren’t important.

Consider therapy if:

• You attempt to set boundaries but cannot maintain them
• The guilt is crushing, and it won’t go away
• Your relationships are chronically unbalanced
• The idea of saying no makes you nervous
• You come from a home where there were consequences for having boundaries
• You are dating someone who continuously disregards your boundaries
• You see how people-pleasing is a damaging pattern but you can’t seem to stop
• You’re at a loss as to what it is exactly that you need or want

It is likely that individual therapy will be beneficial in exploring the origins of your boundary struggles. Cognitive-behavioral therapy provides useful tools for shifting patterns. In systemic therapy the problem is placed in fixed relation with family dynamics. And if boundary issues are playing a role in your relationship, the neutral setting that couples therapy offers can be an opportunity for addressing them together.

Therapy in person is possible for those who live in or are visiting Chania, Crete. For Greeks living abroad (or anywhere in Greece) counseling via Zoom is available. The specific spot is irrelevant; your desire to work on yourself, however, is not.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I establish boundaries without feeling guilty?

Feeling guilty is natural when you’re first beginning to set boundaries, especially if you have spent the last several decades of your life putting other people first. The feeling is not the result of doing something wrong — it’s the result of doing something different. Practice self-compassion. Tell yourself that it’s okay for you to have needs. The guilt fades with repetition. If it does not wane after a few months, therapy may support you in examining why your guilt feels so strong.

What if I make other people upset when I put up boundaries?

Some people will not like this — especially those who have benefited from your lack of boundaries. Their anger is information. It tells you they liked that dynamic where your needs didn’t matter. Healthy people may be surprised or disappointed, but they roll with it. People who remain angry usually have boundary issues of their own. You can’t control their reaction. The only thing you can control is whether or not you maintain your limit.

Is setting boundaries the same as being selfish?

No, selfish is when you care only for yourself. Boundaries mean to take yourself into account — along with others. Boundaries create balance. They enable you to take care of others without neglecting yourself. Sustainable generosity requires boundaries. Without that, you run out of juice and have nothing more to give.

How do I establish boundaries with family members that don’t respect them?

Family boundaries are difficult because family structures are resistant to change. Begin by calmly, clearly asserting your boundary. Enforce it consistently. If your parent is calling you multiple times a day, and you’ve told them that once per day would be enough, don’t answer the additional calls. Should family drop by without the advance notice you have requested, you can simply not answer the door. This sounds harsh, but enforcement breeds respect. If family members persist with boundary violations, then you might have to limit contact or even go to family therapy.

Can boundaries help with burnout and exhaustion?

Absolutely. Burnout commonly stems from chronic boundary violations — trying to do too much, saying yes when you mean no, ignoring your body’s screaming signals for rest. Boundaries protect your energy. They create space for recovery. If you are burned out, it is critical to examine your boundaries. Where are you offering up more than is sustainable? Where do you need to say no? If you have a supportive therapist who can help understand and confront these issues, the healing process can move more quickly.

What’s the difference between a boundary and a wall?

Boundaries are porous edges that protect your well-being while allowing for connection. Walls are the solid barriers that prevent shared spaces. Boundaries sound like “I can’t talk after 9 p.m., but let’s hang out tomorrow.” Walls announce “I never want to talk to you again.” Boundaries allow healthy relationships. Walls prevent them. If building walls is your thing, you may have been overexposed for so many years that full protection now seems the only way to go. Therapy can help you return to boundaries from walls.

How long does it take to be at ease with boundaries?

This varies. Some people find it easier to set boundaries within a few months. For others — especially if you have deep-rooted people-pleasing patterns or trauma — it can take a year or longer. Therapy accelerates the process. The key is consistent practice. Each time you establish a limit and survive the discomfort, it becomes a bit easier. Progress isn’t linear. Some days will be harder than others. That’s okay.

Conclusion: It’s an Act of Love to Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries isn’t rejection. It’s not meanness. It’s not selfishness. With love, boundaries are a necessity — both for yourself and for others. They are the conditions that make genuine and lasting relationships. They protect your wellbeing. They grant you the chance to show up fully present rather than resentfully obligated.

The path to healthy boundaries is long. You’ll make mistakes. You will put down a boundary and you will immediately want to click delete on it. You’ll feel guilty. You’ll worry people hate you. This is all normal. Keep going.

Don’t forget that managing others’ emotions is not your job. You cannot make everyone happy. You owe it to yourself to treat yourself the same respect and care you give others. You deserve to take up space. You deserve to have needs. You deserve to say no.

Start small. Practice with low-stakes situations. Observe how you feel and what happens when you make a commitment to yourself. Celebrate each tiny victory. And if it’s difficult, reach out for help. You don’t have to work this out by yourself.

Your life can be different. Lighter. More honest. More sustainable. The first step is believing you’re worthy of setting boundaries. The next step is to create one. Just one. Today.

References

1. Katherine, A. (2008). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Hazelden Publishing.
2. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
3. Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.
4. Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind: A Way to Build Self-Esteem. Constable.
5. Lerner, H. (2014). The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide To Changing the Patterns Of Intimate Relationships. William Morrow Paperbacks.
6. Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
7. Tartakovsky, M. (2019). Setting boundaries without guilt. Psych Central.
8. Van Dijk, S. (2012). DBT Skills Workbook for Bipolar Disorder. New Harbinger Publications.